Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
You Might Also Like
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.