There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels