*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
What’s so funny?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
technically true but not a great slogan
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.