I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now