3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
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i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.