Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?