Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“That’s what” – She
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.