Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
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I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*