I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
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Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.