my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.