“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
A Short Story.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?