Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I’m not stressed
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?