Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You Might Also Like
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*