My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.