Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM