I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
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My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
People buying plungers never look happy.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it