Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments