My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
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Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Mad Max Arctic Road
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.