My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?