[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.