I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?