Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
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My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
This guy gets it.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.