I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
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Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.