My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
You Might Also Like
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.