2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The glory of fall.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.