My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
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my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”