Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
You Might Also Like
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says