My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
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“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Practicing safe sax
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.