It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
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How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
😂😂😂
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks