when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!