[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
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Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
LOL!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[adds another nod to the conversation]
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]