We’ve all been there…
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Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Thrilling chase underway
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.