If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?