* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Children of the corn 🌽
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.