Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
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Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
This anagram machine is out of order.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?