One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
You Might Also Like
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Why font matters.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
he chose this