My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Holy shit he’s back
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.