My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.