Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex