[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.