Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I have two kinds of followers
Said the murderer.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
This a good idea
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.