I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Expect the unexporcupine.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake