Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
When you try jalapeños for the first time
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The Punning Dead.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
mom had nothing to worry about
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…