me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.