an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
You Might Also Like
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.