*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
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What kind of a cult is this?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE