When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
You Might Also Like
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.