[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip