Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?