*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
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You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*